7 signs you just got back from a cruise vacation

If the idea of a week-long maritime adventure with several thousand ebullient passengers aboard an activity-filled floating paradise sounds worse to you than a root canal, chances are you’ve never taken a cruise. Plain and simple, cruise vacations are a nonstop thrill of a lifetime. Yet even those of us who secretly know there’s no better way to spend a week than lounging poolside while dashing from one exotic port to the next know the experience is riddled with familiar cliches. Here are 7 signs you just got back from a cruise vacation:

1. Former House Speaker John Boehner looks like he could use a tan.
If there’s one thing the cruises deliver in quantities greater than all-you-can-eat shrimp cocktails and giddy good times, it’s copious amounts of vitamin D. Sure that may not ring true for all cruises, like a Baltic excursion for example, but chances are if you’re from the Midwest or Northeast and boarding a ship bound for Barbados, you’ll return home one week later with a healthy bronze glow—or looking redder than a tomato plucked at peak season.

2. You find yourself wandering the ethnic foods section at your grocery store in an attempt to recapture the feeling of experiencing multiple countries at once.
Bargain hunting in Barcelona, meandering around Monaco and scuba diving in Santorini, all in the space of a few days? No wonder people love cruising. How many other vacations zip tourists from one foreign country to another in what feels like a matter of minutes? In the cruise world, it’s not uncommon to eat a morning Danish in Denmark and end the day with a nightcap in Norway. It simply doesn’t get any more thrilling than that.

Also: 23 tips that will change the way you cruise.

3. You preach the cruise lifestyle with the fire and intensity of an evangelist.
Ever met a cruise junkie? You’ll know when you have because they’ll be talking up the power of the all-you-can-eat buffet like it’s the Sermon on the Mount. So steadfast are these folk in evangelizing the healing powers of a maritime margarita that you’ll quickly become thankful Jim Jones isn’t still around to lead these folks to French Guyana.

4. Even the slightest sign of inclement weather plunges you into deep despair.
Remember when you heard the phrase “snowmaggedon” and immediately tore open a few packs of Swiss Miss and climbed into a pair of Ugg boots or when a rainy day meant rewarding yourself with a House of Cards binge marathon? If waking up to anything less than blue skies and bluer waters send you into a rage, you might be suffering from PCSD (post-cruising stress disorder), for which there is only one cure—booking another cruise, of course.

5. You keep staring at your one-bedroom apartment thinking, “Was it always this big?”
The first time you board a cruise ship you might think you’ve never seen anything so massive in your entire life. That’ll change as soon as you gaze upon a basic stateroom, which can make a studio apartment in New York look like Hearst Castle by comparison. Get used to the fact quick that everything from the bed to the bathroom are smaller on board. That sea turtle you spotted while snorkeling? Trust us, his shell is roomier.

6. The most lavish Thanksgiving feast now looks like a pitiful excuse for a meal.
The largest cruise ships on earth boast multiple promenades, pool areas, sports zones and “neighborhoods,”and carry upwards of 6,000 passengers. Just where, you might be wondering, do they find space for all those fruit cocktails, crab legs and Baked Alaskas? Actually, you won’t be thinking that at all because you’ll be fully engaged in a 24/7 feeding frenzy. Just try to look delighted at your family’s next holiday feast, OK?

7. Your Facebook page turns into an online brochure for the Lesser Antilles.
Between cheery staffers snapping relentless pics of you in various states of joy (or despair depending on how hard you hit that buffet), poolside selfies with a piña colada in hand or ubiquitous landscape shots at every port, it’s almost guaranteed that vacation pics with azure blue backgrounds will soon flood your social media. Newsflash: We all know what a white sand beach looks like—no need to go overboard (pun intended).

Tagged: Caribbean, Cruise