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South Beach, Miami

Avoid taking heat in Miami by not saying these 15 things.

1) Why are you wearing all of those layers? It’s 68 degrees.
We break out the winter wear in Miami if it’s below 70…maybe 75. Hats, gloves, scarves, coats, boots—all of it. Wait, you’re going swimming today? We don’t go in the water unless it’s 89 degrees outside.

2) I’m in South Beach, b*tches!
No, you’re not. You’re in downtown Miami. The same place where LeBron James brought (and subsequently removed) his talents. It was then, and always has been,downtown—not South Beach.

3) Can you pick me up from the Fort Lauderdale Airport? It’s close, right?
No. Not even a little. We don’t go anywhere near I-95 during rush hour. Or ever. Crossing through the Golden Glades Interchange is like trekking across the Canadian border.

Related: Where we’d send these Orange is the New Black inmates on vacation

4) Shouldn’t you use your blinkers? 
Absolutely not. That’s a sign of weakness.

5) Will it ever stop raining?
Wait five minutes. If it still hasn’t stopped,wait another five minutes.

6) I’m headed to that ritzy island with all the  mansions…the one in the Keys. 
Key Biscayne is not part of the Florida Keys. It’s the island  just south of South Beach, located within Miami-Dade  County. The Keys are in Monroe County. And Fort  Lauderdale is in Broward County. And the rest of the  state…well…we’ll just call that the State of Florida. Hey, they don’t claim us either.

7) You’re an hour late.
Actually, I’m right on time. And the bar was empty when you got here, wasn’t it? And slow down because we’re not going out until after midnight, and it’s only happy hour, so pace yourself. Dinner isn’t until 10 p.m. Wipe that grin off your face; I know you think it’s awesome that happy hour goes until 8 p.m.

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8) Brick-ELL has so many tall buildings.
It’s pronounced BRICK-uhl. So-Fi stands for the South of Fifth neighborhood on Miami Beach. The Design District and Wynwood are not the same place even though they both have art. And, no, we won’t frown upon your use of Spanglish; it’s the same language that we speak.

9) I’m dying for some tacos right now. Let’s try that Cuban place you told me about.
Mexican food and Cuban food are NOT THE SAME THING. Neither is Brazilian, Argentinian, Peruvian, Costa Rican, Dominican, Puerto Rican, Haitian or Jamaican. But if any of those sound good to you, I know a great place. And if you decide to order that very common pinkish fish, make sure you call it SAL-mon, not SAM-on, or the waiter won’t know what you’re talking about.

Related: Celebrate summer solstice with these spectacular sunrises and sunsets

10) I can’t believe they towed my car.
You should be proud. It’s a rite of passage. Just wait until you’ve had your identity stolen.

11) Why are you drinking your coffee out of a teeny tiny plastic shot glass?
Tell you what, why don’t you chug the rest of this colada and call me in 48 hours after you haven’t slept for two days? And let’s get a few things straight: a colada, cortadito and cafe con leche are not the same things, but guava pastelitos go amazingly well with all of them.

12) What is Miami Spice? Should I try it? Would I like it?
Yes, and yes. Here’s why.

13) All the women in Miami are so unbelievably gorgeous. 
We know. They’re either Cuban, Brazilian, Argentinian, Peruvian, Costa Rican, Dominican, Puerto Rican, Haitian or Jamaican. Or Russian. Or some combination therein.

Related: 7 Florida beaches locals want to keep secret

14) So you probably spend a lot of time on Ocean Drive.
A) We don’t go to Ocean Drive unless it’s Sunday. B) They’re doing body-painting at the Clevelander. And C) You—our dear out-of-town guest—have specifically requested to hang with scantily clad women on the beach in a party-your-pants-off atmosphere.

15) Whoa. You just kissed me!
Relax. That’s a greeting, not a come on. This is Miami.

Find out the “right” things to say to a Miamian on your next trip there! 

Tagged: Florida

Kara Franker
A purveyor of the coastal life and a self-admitted beach addict, Kara is a travel writer based in Miami. Follow her on Instagram @KaraOnTheCoast and check out her blog karaonthecoast.com.

21 thoughts on “15 things never to say to a Miamian”

    1. The best place to eat Haitian food in Miami is at the Red Cross.
      Yes, I know I’m going to hell for this

  1. Spot on. Nicely done.

    I would add a 16th.

    Why are people honking at me all the time? It’s a Miamian’s way of saying hello.

  2. That’s because Colombians do not possess natural beauty. They’re mostly made out of silicone or plastic body parts and that’s pretty gross.

  3. On point! I live two hours from Miami, but grew-up in Miami and consider myself a Miamian and go there as often as possible. I love Miami!

  4. This sounds incredibly bitchy… Miamians are not bitch, as a person born and raised here.

    Also why make a list and then have a lot of “And by the way it, let’s add another 50 different things”

  5. Respectfully I ask, have you been outside of Miami to other major cities? Trust me, Miami is very bitchy and rude compared to other cities. Go to Chicago, where you could stop anyone and ask for directions without being looked at like you’re an idiot. Go to Seattle where people may seem a bit frigid like the weather, but there’s kindness in every interaction, and people won’t stop until you’ve been helped. Kindness in Miami is the exception, rather than the rule, in small interactions.

    And this is from someone who has lived in the same house, in the same part of Miami (but has worked from the Northern most to the Southern most parts of Dade County) for 26 years.

  6. This is funny, the real ritzy island was originally star or fisher island, key biscayne was in second place compared to it back in the day. I am a born and raised Miamian, remember when South Beach was the third in safest place in Miami or a close second with Overtown, lol. You transplants who have come after the renovation and claim to know should move away, quickly you have already ruined my town!

  7. Forgot Nicaragua too. There’s as much Central and South American people as anything else if not more. We all have a city we migrate to.

  8. Those sore over oversight must consider not every nationality meets Kara’s criteria – beauty is in eye of the beholder!

  9. The list was one of the best I’ve ever read. But the writer seems to have made it a point to leave out Colombians and Venezuelans! Two of the largest communities in the MIA!

  10. How do to say it’s not called south beach in #2, then reference south beach in #6?? And I would consider the ritzy island to be fisher island.

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