Avoid taking heat in Miami by not saying these 15 things.
1) Why are you wearing all of those layers? It’s 68 degrees.
We break out the winter wear in Miami if it’s below 70…maybe 75. Hats, gloves, scarves, coats, boots—all of it. Wait, you’re going swimming today? We don’t go in the water unless it’s 89 degrees outside.
2) I’m in South Beach, b*tches!
No, you’re not. You’re in downtown Miami. The same place where LeBron James brought (and subsequently removed) his talents. It was then, and always has been,downtown—not South Beach.
3) Can you pick me up from the Fort Lauderdale Airport? It’s close, right?
No. Not even a little. We don’t go anywhere near I-95 during rush hour. Or ever. Crossing through the Golden Glades Interchange is like trekking across the Canadian border.
4) Shouldn’t you use your blinkers?
Absolutely not. That’s a sign of weakness.
5) Will it ever stop raining?
Wait five minutes. If it still hasn’t stopped,wait another five minutes.
6) I’m headed to that ritzy island with all the mansions…the one in the Keys.
Key Biscayne is not part of the Florida Keys. It’s the island just south of South Beach, located within Miami-Dade County. The Keys are in Monroe County. And Fort Lauderdale is in Broward County. And the rest of the state…well…we’ll just call that the State of Florida. Hey, they don’t claim us either.
7) You’re an hour late.
Actually, I’m right on time. And the bar was empty when you got here, wasn’t it? And slow down because we’re not going out until after midnight, and it’s only happy hour, so pace yourself. Dinner isn’t until 10 p.m. Wipe that grin off your face; I know you think it’s awesome that happy hour goes until 8 p.m.
8) Brick-ELL has so many tall buildings.
It’s pronounced BRICK-uhl. So-Fi stands for the South of Fifth neighborhood on Miami Beach. The Design District and Wynwood are not the same place even though they both have art. And, no, we won’t frown upon your use of Spanglish; it’s the same language that we speak.
9) I’m dying for some tacos right now. Let’s try that Cuban place you told me about.
Mexican food and Cuban food are NOT THE SAME THING. Neither is Brazilian, Argentinian, Peruvian, Costa Rican, Dominican, Puerto Rican, Haitian or Jamaican. But if any of those sound good to you, I know a great place. And if you decide to order that very common pinkish fish, make sure you call it SAL-mon, not SAM-on, or the waiter won’t know what you’re talking about.
10) I can’t believe they towed my car.
You should be proud. It’s a rite of passage. Just wait until you’ve had your identity stolen.
11) Why are you drinking your coffee out of a teeny tiny plastic shot glass?
Tell you what, why don’t you chug the rest of this colada and call me in 48 hours after you haven’t slept for two days? And let’s get a few things straight: a colada, cortadito and cafe con leche are not the same things, but guava pastelitos go amazingly well with all of them.
12) What is Miami Spice? Should I try it? Would I like it?
Yes, and yes. Here’s why.
13) All the women in Miami are so unbelievably gorgeous.
We know. They’re either Cuban, Brazilian, Argentinian, Peruvian, Costa Rican, Dominican, Puerto Rican, Haitian or Jamaican. Or Russian. Or some combination therein.
14) So you probably spend a lot of time on Ocean Drive.
A) We don’t go to Ocean Drive unless it’s Sunday. B) They’re doing body-painting at the Clevelander. And C) You—our dear out-of-town guest—have specifically requested to hang with scantily clad women on the beach in a party-your-pants-off atmosphere.
15) Whoa. You just kissed me!
Relax. That’s a greeting, not a come on. This is Miami.
Find out the “right” things to say to a Miamian on your next trip there!