10 signs you just got back from Las Vegas

Love it or hate it, Sin City is a place that knows how to leave an impression. Although not for everyone, even its most ardent foes can’t help but be swept up in its nonstop gaming action, ubiquitous boozing and relentless razzle dazzle. Here are 10 signs you just got back from fabulous Las Vegas.

1. Your only concept of time is when to fall asleep.
If a pack of office drones are angrily wondering why you missed the morning meeting and your kids are complaining they were yet again left standing for hours on the curb outside of school, you’ve definitely just come home from a Las Vegas weekend. Aside from curtain calls and the occasional dinner reservation, time is rendered meaningless in a town where clocks are nonexistent and time is indicated only by the circles under your eyes.

2. You find yourself betting the Cubs will win the World Series.
Dropping a Benjie on a gamble that the new Star Wars film will be a box office bomb? Placing a few friendly bucks on a Rick Perry 2016 comeback? Thinking of investing a some stock market dollars on Radio Shack? Stop right there. While throwing $10 down on a single digit on the roulette wheel or handing over $20 to the slot machines is fine on the casino floor, if you’re making bets like these back at home, you were in Vegas way too long.

3. Every drinking vessel now seems ridiculously small.
After just a few days in Las Vegas, you’ll get accustomed to drinking everything, daiquiris included, openly on the street out of a 64oz. cup shaped like a bong. In Vegas, lax liquor laws mean you can imbibe up and down Las Vegas Boulevard sans citation, and from the DIY booze bar at the Purple Zebra at the LINQ to legendary joints like Fat Tuesday at MGM Grand, there’s no shortage of bars serving up alcohol-infused concoctions of every size, shape and color. But pull out so much as a boot flask back home and expect to hear the clinking of handcuffs around your wrist.

Related: Here are 8 new reasons to love downtown Vegas

4. You’re disappointed when the water from your shower doesn’t leap magically into the air and sway to Sinatra.
Those Bellagio Fountains are captivating. Fun facts: The fountains—built by Los Angeles-based WET Design in 1998—spanthe equivalent of eight football fields (enough to fill 2,000 swimming pools) and include more than 1,200 devices that spray more than 17,000 gallons of water into the air at once at a height of up to 24 stories tall. Sadly, most fountain water doesn’t perform cartwheels so get used to little more than a trickle back home.

5. You can’t find your way out of even the smallest building.
Does the doctor’s office suddenly confound you? Are you completely turned around inside your friend’s 350 square-foot studio apartment? Vegas resorts are purposely confusing so as to keep you spending money on the casino floor so if exit signs at your local multiplex are suddenly as illusory to you as a desert oasis and you find yourself giving up hope on finding your way out of a pair of pants, chances are Sin City got to you good.

6. You wonder why you’re the only one with a face that looks like a ripened tomato.
104. That’s not the payout on a horn bet at the craps table, it’s the average daily temperature in July. Vegas used to be ghost town in the summer months, but not so anymore as one resort after another continues to outdo the other with DJ-driven pool parties boasting all kinds of booze-infused shenanigans. But slather on the spf-50 or prepare to return home looking something you might pick up at the farmers market.

7. You keep using the phrase “It’s a dry heat.”
Newsflash: We denizens of climates where the humidity is so high it turns indoor parking garages into giant steam rooms and a 9am meeting practically guarantees a round table full of executives with pit stains don’t need to hear you bragging about how bone dry it is out West. And by the way, we’ve been to Vegas in August where the sun is relentless and temps routinely hit the triple digits and we promise you it’s no walk in the park.

Related: Go off the beaten path with these 10 hidden gems of Las Vegas.

8. You expect every dinner to include all-you-can-eat crab legs, filet mignon and Baked Alaska.
Don’t poke another notch in your belt buckle just yet; you’re not in Kansas anymore Toto. The all-you-can-eat Vegas buffet, once a bargain and these days a higher end affair featuring dozens of food stations serving up a multi-ethnic melange of global eats, is still a Sin City priority. (We recommend the Buffet at the Wynn and Wicked Spoon at the Cosmopolitan.) Just remember back home most folks exercise a little thing known as restraint.

9. The phrase “high mileage” no longer has anything to do with cars.
Eventually, you may indulge in a little Sin City tomfoolery—including some strip club patronage. After all, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. But in order to keep it that way it’s important to remember that “high mileage” in Vegas refers to how hands-on fellas can get with the dancers. So if you’re behind the wheel at home with a female friend and she notes the “high mileage” on your Buick LeSabre, please do keep your hands to  yourself.

10. You’re shocked to discover that New York City and Venice are actually thousands of miles apart.
In their 1972 opus, Learning from Las Vegas, authors Robert Venturi, Denise Scott Brown and Steven Izenour argued for architecture reflecting the tastes of “common” people, so we say cheers to the subsequent erection of over the top resorts resembling Egyptian pyramids or midtown Manhattan. But if we hear you talking about how you’re going to take a quick stroll from Paris to Rome, expect to be hit hard on the head with a day-old baguette.

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